“It’s Them, Not You”

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There’s this one life lesson that I’m obviously not learning as well as I should and it cropped up again on me last night without warning. And after it happened, I was more angry at myself for allowing it to have happened again.

And what is that? I allowed someone to take out their insecurities, jealousies, or bad day on me by bringing up painful past situations and mistakes that I’ve made peace with, moved on from, and learned from. And throughout the conversation I began defending myself…and I should and do know better than to do that.

Truth be told, by the time I got off the phone I was drained. They had said so many hurtful things to me that I went to bed in tears, feeling like a failure.

This morning I woke up with a headache, a bruised heart, and a sadness in my soul, but I’m working on that today. I know I’m not a failure because I’m living my life purpose and pursuing my passion and dreams. I know I’m not a failure because I keep moving forward with a positive attitude no matter what life or another person hands me. And I know I’m not a failure because I would never do anything hurtful to another even though they did that to me.

I understand that people have bad days, trust me, I do as well, but I would never take it out on another person. And as I’ve taught my children, when people are unkind, mean or hurtful to you, it’s not really because of YOU; they are simply taking their fears, their insecurities, their jealousies or bad days out on you. They’re afraid to face their own truth and their own life so they inflict emotional and verbal pain on you. It’s not okay for anyone to do that to another human being. We can all understand why they do it but we do NOT have to allow them to do it.

Are you wondering why I allowed it yet again? Me too, but the truth is, it was someone in my family and I didn’t see the conversation going in that direction until it did…and I just couldn’t seem to shut it down. I told my best friend about it this morning and she said to me: “this is your problem; use your voice, shut them down and talk to them the same way they’re talking to you.” My response: “I won’t lower myself to that level and I will not be unkind to someone even if they’re being unkind to me.”

And I think that’s a lesson for all of us. What we allow will continue and sometimes the people that are unkind to us are the closest to us, yet I believe this to be true: even if it’s family, it’s no reason to allow that behavior. Sometimes, especially with family, we have to wish them love and light and put some distance between us. It’s difficult to do at times, but absolutely necessary.

Distance between family members doesn’t mean you don’t love them, it means you love yourself just as much.

So today I’m healing my heart, finding some joy in my soul and forgiving them for doing it and forgiving myself for allowing it.

And it’s a good thing.

Wishing you love and light,

~Anne Dennish~

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“What” Is Not As Important As “Why”

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“What’s” happened to you in your life isn’t as important as “why” it happened. ~AD~

We all experience some difficult situations in our life and I’ve come to accept and understand that the “what” that’s happened to me isn’t as important as  the“why” that it did.

We’re so quick to blame others for our difficult times, yet we have a hand in those situations as well. Perhaps we aren’t being our authentic self or standing in our truth to those around us. Maybe we change “who” we are according to the people we are around at a particular moment. I can tell you that I’ve learned that I am in control of what I allow to happen to me and it’s up to me to set healthy boundaries for my highest good…and it’s not always easy to do.

I had breast cancer and it can’t always be prevented, yet I could have had a mammogram sooner than I had; I went 5 years without one and only had one done when I found my tumor. So while this “what” may have been destined to happen to me, the “why” it happened when it did was because I wasn’t loving myself enough to get that mammogram every year like I should have. I know better now.

I’ve lived through divorce and a bad relationship. The “what” that caused an ending to these relationships isn’t as important as the “why” it happened. It happened because I was allowing those people to treat me in a way I didn’t deserve. What you allow will continue and it did for me until I realized I deserved better and decided to stop it.

And I’ve lived through emotional, verbal and physical abuse. It went on for years until I finally put an end to it. “What” was said and done to me isn’t as important as “why” it was done to me. It happened because I let it happen. I wasn’t as strong as I am now, my self-esteem was non-existent, and I blamed myself for causing all those things that were said and done to me then. I was at the bottom and when I finally decided that enough was enough, I pulled myself up off the floor and began to see clearly of the “why” it happened. I began to get stronger day by day and set up boundaries that were never again to be crossed by anyone, and if they were, I certainly recognized it sooner. It happened because I let it, not because I deserved it. It was yet another life lesson for me to learn.

You have to love yourself, respect yourself, and know that you don’t deserve to be treated badly by anyone, especially by yourself. Let’s face it, we’re all masters of self-sabotage at times…we can hurt ourselves better than the person who is hurting us. Yet that’s not the way it should be; you know that as well as I do.

It’s time we all, myself included, stop focusing on the “what” that happened to us and start looking deep within ourselves to see our truth of the“why” it happened.

It’s then that we learn and grow and move forward into the life we want and deserve.

It’s a good thing.

Wishing you love and light,

~Anne Dennish~